The Truth about Perpetual Problems

If you don’t argue with your significant other your relationship must be in really good shape, right? While we might think that the answer to that question is yes, in actuality it is very healthy to argue. In fact, according to Dr. John Gottman who has done over 35 years of research about what makes marriages work, it is impossible to get rid of all conflict in a relationship. Furthermore, contrary to popular belief you don’t have to resolve every issue that you argue about. Most times you and your partner may have to agree to disagree.

Gottman’s research shows that there are two kinds of problems couples argue about: Perpetual and solvable. Perpetual problems are the ones that come up over and over again, and it’s like the arguments are the same every time. If you turned on a tape recorder you’d probably hear the same discussion you and your partner had last week, last month, and maybe even last year. Don’t be alarmed though, that’s actually very normal. In fact, 69% of arguments that couples have are perpetual. That means that only 31% are solvable!

The common trap that couples get caught up in is trying to solve these perpetual issues. As a result, what often happens is a phenomenon called gridlock. It can literally feel like you are stuck in a very bad traffic jam, because you believe your partner doesn’t respect your opinions and does not hear you. Instead of trying to resolve these arguments Gottman suggests accepting that they will come up again. He talks about underlying value differences being at the core of these kinds of conflict that need to be explored. It’s like a couple who argues over the toothpaste cap, but it’s not really the toothpaste cap that’s the problem. There are three key things you can do to navigate your way around perpetual problems:

1) Accept that it is okay for you and your partner to disagree

2) Have a dialogue about the issue, instead of a monologue

3) Work toward trying to understand your partner’s perspective instead of convincing him or her that your opinion is ‘right’

Putting these ideas into practice with a perpetual problem will be difficult, but the more you open up space for conversation the easier it will get. When you and your partner notice these kinds of conflicts coming up, agree to take a step back and really explore the other person’s world. Who knows, you may learn something you didn’t know about your partner and actually enjoy the conversation.

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