The Five Languages of Love

We’ve all heard the idea that once the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over, you’ll never be that in love again. Some new research by Dr. Helen Fisher might just dispute that belief. She and her team compared the brain MRI’s of couples who were newly together and couples married over 21 years who claimed to be intensely in love. What they found was that the brain activity of these couples was similar, which offers hope that it is possible to keep love alive long after the initial fire has burned. The deciding factor seems to be that those who are intensely in love are motivated to maintain, enhance, and protect their relationships. A key to that is making sure you and your partner are speaking the same ‘love language’.

According to Gary Chapman, author of “the Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”, it is often the case that love is there and being expressed, but not in the “language” that the loved one understands. Each of us has a primary language of love…ways that we express love and things we see as expressions of love. If couples can learn to identify and use each other’s love language they can increase the quality in their relationships.

These five love languages are identified as:

 1) Words of Affirmation. An unsolicited compliment, a kind word, and words of     encouragement are very powerful. Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

2) Quality Time. This means togetherness and personal connection, not just being physically nearby. Learn to have a quality conversation, really listening to each other. Take time to have fun together. Do things you each enjoy; explore new activities together.

3) Receiving Gifts. The message here is that the gift giver was thinking of you and wanted to let you know. Expense is not the main thing – it’s the meaning that counts. A card or small token for no reason sends a priceless message.

4) Acts of Service. Cooking, washing the car, and doing laundry can be acts of love. Challenge the stereotypes. Doing something that is helpful to your loved one will be noticed, if it is his or her language of love.

5) Physical Touch. A hug, a kiss, and holding hands are all ways of communicating love. Research indicates that positive physical contact is important to emotional health; some say you need four hugs a day.

If you don’t know your partner’s primary language of love, he or she may not be receiving the messages you are sending. Here is a simple test to discover your own language of love:

1) I need to hear that I'm loved from my special someone's own lips. Agree or disagree

2) Love is what you DO--together. Agree or disagree

3) I have a stash of knickknacks that I keep because special people gave them to me. Agree or disagree

4) I believe the statement "If you really loved me, you'd see what needs to be done and do it without having to be asked." Agree or disagree

5) A touch can speak volumes. Agree or disagree

Each question corresponds with the love language described above. Once you discover which one is your primary language, you can ask your partner to take the test and then compare answers. This test is a quick and easy way to discover if both of you are communicating in the same “love language”. Once you are, you can then make sure that the messages you are sending are being received.

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